Finding My Center Off Center Stage

Songwriters

While this upheaval was certainly upsetting for everyone in our company, we were also keenly aware of how deeply disappointing the situation was for audiences, too. We are a family show, and it is safe to assume that tickets for many of the canceled performances had been given as Christmas and Hanukkah gifts. It was heartbreaking all around. Once we restarted, we learned that this omicron-induced perfect storm meant our show wouldn’t be able to survive financially unless radical action was taken. We closed after our January 9 matinee with the intention of reopening in mid-April.

I’d like to take a moment to look at that word “radical.” My whole life I thought it meant far out, or beyond, or way out on a limb. But during 2021, I dug into its Latin root, which ironically is “root” (radicalis: “having roots, forming roots”), and this reframing of the word changed everything for me. Suddenly, I could see that exploring new ways of doing things—ways that could be viewed as extreme when compared to traditional methods—was about returning to a fundamental understanding of how growth occurs. To bear fruit, we must be firmly rooted. This vocabulary lesson served me well personally last year, and was affirmed again when our lead producer, Kevin McCollum, compared our brand-new show to a “sapling in a hurricane” as he described why he was taking the radical action of uprooting us, moving us to the basement under ultraviolet light and replanting us in the spring when, hopefully, the environment will be more favorable.

So, here I am again faced with the choice of maintaining my equanimity even when the current conditions are so very far from what I would prefer. How can I continue to reach for joy when the sucker punches keep coming? I can only answer that question for myself, since all my colleagues have unique experiences and perspectives. I will say that another word-based revelation has helped me immensely. Until recently, I had never actually seen the word “moment” within “momentum.” I mean, seriously, it was right there staring at me! I had always thought of momentum as something created from a past event that then gathered speed. I never thought about how the moment itself and the choices we make within it can shift momentum and create a new trajectory. Choices like taking a deep breath, taking stock of all that is well right now and reaching for the next better thought. Thoughts that will accumulate toward improved feelings. I don’t have to go directly from despair to joy, but I can continue inching my way up from the abyss to the emotional horizon line of neutrality, trusting that, eventually, I’ll arrive at acceptance, love, joy and peace.

An example of that upward journey occurred the Monday before our last (hopefully only last-for-now) week of performances. One of my closest onstage contacts had tested positive for COVID late Sunday night. My sadness in knowing he wouldn’t be with us for those final performances mixed with the fear of wondering whether I would be, either. So, I contacted our COVID Safety Managers Monday morning and asked if I could drive in to take a rapid test on my day off. I figured if I tested positive at least I could begin processing my sadness. If I tested negative, I would get a good night’s sleep and go into that final week knowing that any performance could be my last, depending on my test results. Thankfully, I remained COVID free.

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Jenn Gambatese is an actor, singer, teacher and writer whose work has enabled her to see the world and collaborate with some of the most wonderful artists imaginable. She is married to Curtis Cregan and together they are raising their two wildly amazing daughters and one amazingly wild dog.

Top image: Jenn Gambatese.

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JENN GAMBATESE